They shaved my baby's head.
Not just a piece of it. I'm talking Rhianna/ Miley style... half of her hair is gone.
So, I did what any normal mother would do in this situation: I had a good, long, ugly cry and bought her some headwraps on Etsy.
The nurses at the hospital were precious and put her hair in a little bag for me and decorated a sign that reads, "Kate's 1st Haircut." But, I loved her hair. I loved the way it stuck up a little after a bath. I loved running my fingers through it to put her to sleep. I loved the way her hair somehow always smelled of powder and softness.
But I also know that they had to do it. She needed a PICC line, and babies simply have more cooperative veins in their heads. They had to do it so they don't have to prick her any more than is necessary. They had to do it for her own good.
But, I loved her hair.
I live in this tension between my logic and my sensibility. I know that we are doing what's best for her, but I hate that what's best for her sometimes hurts her. Or takes away one more piece of a "normal" babyhood.
So, I turn to some others who have lived also in this tension. Those who took frightening steps forward, knowing with certainty that all things-- even hard things, especially hard things-- lead to something better.
Hebrews 11. Read it if you haven't. It is Abel, it is Enoch, it is Noah, Abraham, Sarah and Isaac. It is Moses, it is Joshua, it is Rahab. It is story after story of people who walked through the proverbial fire and came out not burned, but refined. It is story after story of faith.
"Therefore," as Paul writes, "since we have such a great cloud of witnesses," we keep going.
We look to the right and the left and we see the ones who run this race with us-- the heroes of the stories of old, and the friends who hold us up when we are tired.
We look then to the finish line. We keep our eyes fixed on the finish line because our Jesus is there. And our Jesus has run the race ahead of us-- he knows about pain. But, he also knows that there is joy in refinement. There is joy in finishing well.
Prayer requests this week:
-That Kate would continue to heal well from her tracheotomy.
-That Kate would be able to safely come off her ventilator soon.
-That Kate would have the coordination to eat through her mouth with the trach. (If she cannot eat through her mouth well, she will need a G-tube for feeding through her belly. A G-tube is safe and easy, but I am hoping for one less surgery for her.)
-That Avery would have great quality time with my parents in Dallas.
-That Lee and I would continue to have strength, patience, and energy as we continue our time in the NICU.